Hello fellow Ice Queens of the world. Happy Monday and welcome to my blog!
I chose this topic first as it is something that is extremely important to me and something I struggle with on a daily basis.
It’s time to get real with y’all. One thing you will learn about me throughout this is I am brutally honest to the point of where it gets myself into trouble from time to time.
I have no filter, a sailor mouth and verbal diarrhea from time to time.
Anywho, Here we go…
I have struggled with body dysmorphia disorder since I was in grade school, yes really, since I was in grade school.
For those who are unaware of what body dysmorphia disorder is, it’s basically someone seeing all of the physical flaws about themselves and obsessing over them for hours each day, every day. Sucks, I know… because I suffer from it. Well, not so much anymore. It used to be something that affected me each and every day, consuming my mind during all waking hours.
I used to measure my legs every couple of hours by placing both hands around each of my thighs to make sure my middle fingers and thumbs both touched. If they didn’t, I would freak out and either run straight for the gym or starve myself until I could get to the gym.
It’s sad and totally fucked with my brain for many years. It lead into me trying to consume less than 600 calories per day and also abusing laxatives to try to lose weight quickly.
Like I said, I am getting real with you all. A lot of this has never been shared before and although I am a very strong and tough individual mentally and emotionally, I do have flaws… most of which I have overcome and concurred over the years making me who I am today.
Fast forward to 2012.
In 2012 I decided the daily struggle of worrying about my physical appearance was too much to handle and I needed to fix myself and fast.
I started off by going to the gym 4 times per week focusing less on cardio like I would before and start lifting weights. I quickly learned I liked the feeling of being stronger. After doing much research I got into what is known as ‘counting macros’.
Macro counting is all about tracking your protein, carbs, and fat intake in grams every day. It is similar to calorie counting but instead, you are counting actual macronutrients. A lot of bodybuilders and fitness competitors use this method to prepare for a show.
Well here is the problem with macro counting for me. I have OCD tendencies which can be a good and bad thing. As far as counting macros it was not a good thing for me. I obsessed over it. And when I say obsessed, it started to consume my whole life. It was all I thought about all day. Every night I would plug my food for the following day into www.myfitnesspal.com making sure I hit my macros just right. I started to become anti-social by avoiding dinner dates, happy hours and group outings in fear of ruining my macros for the day.
Guys… THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE!
On top of obsessing over it, the calculated macronutrients I was supposed to intake every day was way too much for me. I destroyed my metabolism but restricting my eating and abusing laxatives for so many years which lead into weight gain.
I went from weighing 112lbs to 140lbs in a 6 weeks. I felt horrible which triggered my body dysmorphia disorder and made me worse than I was in the first place.
After many ups and downs, I turned to intuitive eating.
Intuitive eating is about listening to your body and your hunger signals. its about discerning what your body needs using your body as your inner guide.
Now, this doesn’t mean if you go to the gym and get in a heavy lifting session that you can run out and have pizza, wings and beer followed by Ben and Jerry’s every day. It means you learn to listen to your body and what it is asking for.
I’ve found it best to meal prep 4-5 of my meals per day ahead of time to keep me on track leaving me one meal per day to eat whatever I want. I don’t always eat these prepped meals because sometimes my body is telling me I need something different.
It takes a lot of self control but from counting macros and measuring my food for 5-6 years now I generally can eye how many ounces of chicken are on my plate or what a cup of brown rice looks like. I still eat extremely healthy 80% of the time and let myself live and eat what I want 20% of the time.
Fast forward to current day…
I am HAPPY! I am a work in progress. I am at a healthy weight fluctuating between 125-130lbs. I am currently lifting weights 4-5 days a week and performing 2 HIIT cardio sessions a week. I feel good. I feel strong. I eat intuitively, occasionally weighing out my food if I am uncertain of portion sizes
I stay away from cooking with oil or butter, most dairy items, refined sugars, gluten and non-organic meat.
Food is not the enemy.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Stop beating yourself up for that ice cream sundae you ate last night, drink lot’s of water and get back into the groove of things today!
If anyone is struggling with a similar issue or needs to talk, I AM HERE TO LISTEN.
Until next time,
xx The Ice Queen